He knows better

I feel his heartbeat. I can hear him breathing. He is right here to kiss. His skin is warm. Sleeping. He trusts me so much. I am the centre of his world and so he is mine. He is listening to my heartbeat. He is calm.   I trust he knows what is the best for him. I give him all my heart, my attention, I encourage him and show him the rest of the world. I know he would tell me if he needs anything more. He knows that I would listen.

I am here for my baby, he was born to make me a mother. His mother. His carer. The one who will listen to his heartbeat until the last one and even beyond.

Breastfeeding stories

To celebrate the International Breastfeeding Day and the start of the Breastfeeding Week I would like to express my appreciation to those mums who did not give up, who worked hard. I would like to show respect for those who managed to express one little drop of breastmilk for their babies. I would like to encourage those who feel that they were not successful breastfeeder (like me), that while breastfeeding is important, it is not the only way to take care and nurture of their babies, so they might try again with their next baby, they are also fantastic mums. I know that for most of us, breastfeeding does not come easy and we could list long why it is so difficult. But today, I would like you to give me a GOOD example, a lovely memory, a cute story and list the benefit of breastfeeding.



"Breastfeeding helped me form a strong bond with my 3rd baby. I wasnt ready for her to be convinced but it happened and I resented it. I fed her until she was 22 months and we are now best buddies x x
I just think if I hadn't fed her and not been together so much it may not of been the same for us because of how I felt "

"When my daughter was 15 weeks old we got stuck in a traffic jam, absolutely stationary for 2 hours. I've have never been happier that I persevered with breastfeeding! x"


"We had a really difficult start with breast feeding 11 months ago and I nearly gave up but we persevered and since then I have been grateful EVERY night that I don't have to get up to make a bottle and we can just really easily snuggle up together in bed to feed. "

" It was the first time I breastfed Seth and it actually felt right, when he was about 6 months old. It was a few weeks after his tongue tie had been cut, he finally latched properly and I felt that rush of calm and love, the oxytocin rush that everyone had told me about. Until then feeding had been a battle, a war of attrition and at that moment it finally became a pleasure. 
I'm still angry that it took so long to get there because we weren't listened to but I'm glad we're doing well now "

"We had several fantastic and lovely moments together, specially at bedtime and by nights. I loved being a breastfeeding mother."

World Breastfeeding Week, 2014

I gave lots of thoughts how to approach the World Breastfeeding Week. As member of the local attachment parenting group I felt that we really should do something, we should advocate, celebrate, organise events.

Then I realized that breastfeeding is not a happy story for everyone. There are mums who fight really hard to be able to breastfeed. There are mums who cry a lot, they are full of emotions, overwhelmed with the love they feel for their baby and want to give and give and more. And they feel that they failed. They failed their child. Which is not true, yet a valid emotion.

I support breastfeeding, I believe that a breastfeeding mum is one of the most beautiful creatures of nature. I wish every mum would and could breastfeed their baby. 

When we say that breastfeeding is the best for the baby and the mother, we should not forget those tears and efforts, we should remind ourselves that those mums who want to breastfeed but cannot are not failures, they are fantastic mums. 

While breastfeeding is a winning goal and, yes, for Life!, the balance should be found and when it is not the best for baby and mum that should be respected, as well.

I do not say that those mums who cannot breastfeed or do not want to feed their babies in this way are less or more. 

Mothers need support, mothers need help, mothers must be heard, mothers need more information and they need to learn more - either from their own mother, family, friends, through support groups, lactation consultant or from a health professional. 

Mothers need to be accepted. Breastfeeding should not be a topic of judgemental conversations or debates. Breastfeeding is the most natural way of feeding and human milk is the best for a human. 

I ask the attachment parenting group to celebrate this week with respect and understanding, with support and love!
Read more: http://worldbreastfeedingweek.org

clean up now - or clean up later :)

I love this from Sarah Clark :)

There really is no "less work" option in parenting - only 

"different work". 

You can meet a need now, or you can meet it later. 

You can clean up now, or you can clean up later.

Bedsharing Myths and Truths

Source: Gentle Parenting

Bedsharing Myths

1. Bedsharing is Always Dangerous

Bedsharing can be very dangerous, so can most things in life. Sleeping with a baby on a sofa, sharing a bed with a baby if you formula feed, smoke (or smoked during pregnancy), if you have drunk alcohol, if you have taken prescription medication or recreational drugs can all be incredibly dangerous.

Sharing a bed with your baby following some simple rules (see our article here) has not been shown to be dangerous in any research. Sadly there have been no studies done to date that include all of the variable contained in sensible bedsharing advice. The research is always missing important variables.

 
2. Two Thirds of all SIDS Cases Occur When the Baby Was Sleeping With a Parent.

As mentioned above research that categorically states that bedsharing is far more risky than a baby sleeping alone is sadly deeply flawed. It misses so many important variables and while these studies have provided a good opportunity for scientists to clear up the issue of bedsharing safety sadly all they have done to date is confused the issue. It is naive at best and deceiving at worse to use these studies to tell parents not to sleep with their babies. Many are concerned that anti-bedsharing research may actually put some babies at more risk as their parents may fall asleep with them in bed accidentally, having not been made aware of what the risks are or how to reduce them.

3. It’s Not Good for the Baby, They  Need to Learn Independence

Before independence first comes dependence. When a baby is born they need us, they cannot survive without us, indeed they do not even realise they are a separate entity to us until they are 3mths old. So much research speaks about the importance of infant attachment, baby-carer bond, and how if an infant is allowed to be as attached to their parent as they need then we can help to create a confident toddler, child and adult. Separating an infant from it’s parent before he or she is ready to separate does not make him autonomous or independent, it deprives him of a basic need.

 
4. Bedsharing Kills Marriages

Stress & exhaustion with a non sleeping crying baby is more likely to affect a marriage than a small person in the bed. In fact most marriages break down because of a lack of communication or simply growing apart. Babies are small for such a short time, if parents agree on a parenting strategy and communicate well with each other this clearly isn’t an issue.

What about sex? is really the undercurrent here though, for most new mothers sex is the furthest thing from their minds. After the birth hormones are haywire, bodies are sore and tender, where the baby sleeps is almost irrelevant in this respect. This also presumes that it is only possible to have sex in bed at night, which is clearly not true.

Bedsharing Truths

1. Bedsharing Can be Safe

In many countries bedsharing is the cultural norm. During the 1990s, in Japan the SIDs rate was only one tenth of that of the West and in Hong Kong, it was only 3%. Interestingly bedsharing is normal, and very common, in Japan and Hong Kong. All around the world parents sleep with their infants in their beds, bedsharing rates are as high as 60-70% in some societies, the SIDS rates do not correlate with this.

To quote William Sears, MD:

“Until a legitimate survey is done to determine how many babies sleep with their parents, and this is factored into the rate of SIDS in a bed versus a crib, it is unwarranted to state that sleeping in a crib is safer than a bed. If the incidence of SIDS is dramatically higher in crib versus a parent’s bed, and because the cases of accidental smothering and entrapment are only 1.5% of the total SIDS cases, then sleeping with a baby in your bed would be far safer than putting baby in a crib. The answer is not to tell parents they shouldn’t sleep with their baby, but rather to educate them on how to sleep with their infants safely.”

2. Bedsharing May Save Lives

There are many reasons where it may be safer for a baby to be in close proximity to its parent(s) including the concept of limbic regulation and gaseous exchange, decreased levels of infant apnoea, and the increased arousability in breastfeeding mums (resulting in heightened awareness to their infants). Research has found infant apnoea decreased by up to 60% in studies when babies are near to someone else breathing whilst sleeping.

3. Bedsharing Can Mean More Sleep For Everyone.

Many parents spend hours fighting their babies, returning them to their cribs and moses baskets as soon as they fall asleep, where they awaken and cry. Conversely many comment that their babies will snooze for hours in their arms. Babies are likely to wake more regularly and feed more regularly during the night when in their parent’s bed, however the awakenings are shorter and often parents aren’t fully aware of all of them.

 
4. Bedsharing Helps Breastfeeding & Milk Supply

Bedsharing and breastfeeding go hand in hand, indeed we know the research says it is only breastfeeding mothers who should co-sleep with their babies (due to their heightened states of arousal to their infant), we know that the close physical contact – oftentimes skin to skin – that comes with bedsharing can make the breastfeeding experience easier. We also know that breastfeeding alone candecrease SIDs risk – imagine what a powerful combination we have in terms of decreasing SIDs risks when we combine safe bedsharing and breastfeeding.

 
Click Here for More on Safer Bedsharing.

By Sarah Ockwell-Smith – Our resident Baby and Toddler Expert.

Do you love your child?

This very interesting article gives a good argument against 'time-out' or 'naughty step' techniques.

Source: NYTimes

When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’

By ALFIE KOHN

Published: September 14, 2009

More than 50 years ago, the psychologist Carl Rogers suggested that simply loving our children wasn’t enough. We have to love themunconditionally, he said — for who they are, not for what they do.

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As a father, I know this is a tall order, but it becomes even more challenging now that so much of the advice we are given amounts to exactly the opposite. In effect, we’re given tips inconditional parenting, which comes in two flavors: turn up the affection when they’re good, withhold affection when they’re not.

Thus, the talk show host Phil McGraw tells us in his book “Family First” (Free Press, 2004) that what children need or enjoy should be offered contingently, turned into rewards to be doled out or withheld so they “behave according to your wishes.” And “one of the most powerful currencies for a child,” he adds, “is the parents’ acceptance and approval.”

Likewise, Jo Frost of “Supernanny,” in her book of the same name (Hyperion, 2005), says, “The best rewards are attention, praise and love,” and these should be held back “when the child behaves badly until she says she is sorry,” at which point the love is turned back on.

Conditional parenting isn’t limited to old-school authoritarians. Some people who wouldn’t dream of spanking choose instead to discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call “time out.” Conversely, “positive reinforcement” teaches children that they are loved, and lovable, only when they do whatever we decide is a “good job.”

This raises the intriguing possibility that the problem with praise isn’t that it is done the wrong way — or handed out too easily, as social conservatives insist. Rather, it might be just another method of control, analogous to punishment. The primary message of all types of conditional parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love. A steady diet of that, Rogers warned, and children might eventually need a therapist to provide the unconditional acceptance they didn’t get when it counted.

But was Rogers right? Before we toss out mainstream discipline, it would be nice to have some evidence. And now we do.

In 2004, two Israeli researchers, Avi Assor and Guy Roth, joined Edward L. Deci, a leading American expert on the psychology of motivation, in asking more than 100 college students whether the love they had received from their parents had seemed to depend on whether they had succeeded in school, practiced hard for sports, been considerate toward others or suppressed emotions like anger and fear.

It turned out that children who received conditional approval were indeed somewhat more likely to act as the parent wanted. But compliance came at a steep price. First, these children tended to resent and dislike their parents. Second, they were apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice.” Moreover, their happiness after succeeding at something was usually short-lived, and they often felt guilty or ashamed.

In a companion study, Dr. Assor and his colleagues interviewed mothers of grown children. With this generation, too, conditional parenting proved damaging. Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults. Yet despite the negative effects, these mothers were more likely to use conditional affection with their own children.

This July, the same researchers, now joined by two of Dr. Deci’s colleagues at theUniversity of Rochester, published two replications and extensions of the 2004 study. This time the subjects were ninth graders, and this time giving more approval when children did what parents wanted was carefully distinguished from giving less when they did not.

The studies found that both positive and negative conditional parenting were harmful, but in slightly different ways. The positive kind sometimes succeeded in getting children to work harder on academic tasks, but at the cost of unhealthy feelings of “internal compulsion.” Negative conditional parenting didn’t even work in the short run; it just increased the teenagers’ negative feelings about their parents.

What these and other studies tell us, if we’re able to hear the news, is that praising children for doing something right isn’t a meaningful alternative to pulling back or punishing when they do something wrong. Both are examples of conditional parenting, and both are counterproductive.

The child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim, who readily acknowledged that the version of negative conditional parenting known as time-out can cause “deep feelings of anxiety,” nevertheless endorsed it for that very reason. “When our words are not enough,” he said, “the threat of the withdrawal of our love and affection is the only sound method to impress on him that he had better conform to our request.”

But the data suggest that love withdrawal isn’t particularly effective at getting compliance, much less at promoting moral development. Even if we did succeed in making children obey us, though — say, by using positive reinforcement — is obedience worth the possible long-term psychological harm? Should parental love be used as a tool for controlling children?

Deeper issues also underlie a different sort of criticism. Albert Bandura, the father of the branch of psychology known as social learning theory, declared that unconditional love “would make children directionless and quite unlovable” — an assertion entirely unsupported by empirical studies. The idea that children accepted for who they are would lack direction or appeal is most informative for what it tells us about the dark view of human nature held by those who issue such warnings.

In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view.

The last of these features is important with respect to unconditional parenting itself. Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.

Rogers didn’t say so, but I’ll bet he would have been glad to see less demand for skillful therapists if that meant more people were growing into adulthood having already felt unconditionally accepted.

Alfie Kohn is the author of 11 books about human behavior and education, including “Unconditional Parenting” and “Punished by Rewards.”

An interesting article about the history of babywearing from Victoria Ward, Director of Shcool of Babywearing UK.

Source: Gentle Parenting

The History of Babywearing

If you use a sling or carrier, you will probably have had at least one person tell you that “those things weren’t around in my day” – they are both wrong and right.

Slings have been described as one of the very first pieces of technology, an absolute necessity for nomadic peoples for whom carrying their babies in arms was both impractical and would have meant that mothers needed even more energy, which was in scarce supply. Yet it is true that most of the slings and carriers we see today were produced by companies that were established in the last 40 years. The last twenty years have seen the creation of new products such as stretchy wraps and hybrids and a huge growth in the number of companies making and selling slings and carriers.

How did ‘babywearing’, as we may now know it, come about?

It’s thought that natural materials like bark, leaves and animal skins were initially used to fashion very simple one-shouldered carriers, which helped support some of the child’s weight while adults were moving around from place to place or looking for food. Later, after weaving was used to create cloth, simple pieces of cloth were used to tie the child close to the adult (or to a sibling, as many babies were and still are carried by older children). Sometimes these were very ornate, such as in Asia, where carriers were often heavily embroidered or made from fabric such as the silk of kimonos or kimono sashes in Japan.

In Africa, kanga and kitenge fabrics were part of dress fabric used as an apron, a blanket to sit on and a general carrying aid. In Mexico, the rebozo, which was a general purpose ‘carrying cloth’ which each woman carried at all times, was used to carry babies in. In India, women tied babies into part of their saris and in Borneo rattan baskets were used. Closer to home, in Wales the Welsh blanket was used by both men and women regularly to carry babies until the 1950s, when the mass production of strollers meant that their usage virtually died out.

Styles of original baby carrier vary from climate to climate – in hotter climates, babies have a greater need to feed frequently and carriers that keep the baby close to mother (or to another woman who will feed it) tend to be more practical as they allow the baby to have very frequent, short feeds, avoiding dehydration. In colder climates, babies tend to feed less by day and can be left for longer periods so carriers that can be left hanging on tree branches or strapped to sleds may be more practical. The Inuit amauti is a carrier and coat, where the baby is carried inside the coat, which is tied at the waist, less practical for nursing but a great way to keep warm.

In the late 1960s, an American woman invented the Snugli baby carrier after seeing African women carrying their babies on their backs, when she worked as a Peace Corps volunteer in Togo, West Africa. In the 1970s, the first German woven wrap company, Didymos, was established after its founder was given a Mexican rebozo.  In the early 1980s, the ring sling was invented by a man in Hawaii for his wife. He sold his idea to Dr William Sears, who invented the term ‘attachment parenting’ and whose wife, Mary invented the term ‘babywearing’ after using a sling with their son and describing the sling like an item of clothing that she put on in the morning and took off at night.

Since the 1980s, the number of types of slings and carriers has grown hugely (the pouch and soft structured carriers are Western adaptations of traditional carriers), as have the number of new companies, from very large manufacturers to smaller work at home parents making custom-designed carriers. The choice really can be overwhelming though perhaps thinking back to the origins of baby carrying and how the focus should be on the practice of baby carrying and less on the product, may help parents make the right choice.

At Babywearing UK you can read much more about different sling & carrier types, find out which brands offer which types and find a sling library, meet or babywearing consultant near you.

By Victoria Ward, founder of Babywearing UK.

Biting and Hitting: 16 Ways to Stop it

I find this article from Dr. Sears' website very useful, tough, I am not in agreement with all the steps he recommends.

Source: Dr. Sears

Growing teeth and hands often find their way into trouble. Toddlers often bite and hit with little regard for the consequences of their actions. Bites and hits hurt and should be corrected, before serious harm is done to bodies and to relationships.

1. Understand why babies bite and hit. Don’t take it personally. Babies do bite the hands (and the nipples) that feed them. Everything babies do revolves around their hands and mouth. The hands and teeth are their first social tools, and they learn how to use them from the responses they get. As soon as teeth erupt and hands flap, babies experiment and use these instruments on different objects to see how it feels. What could be more familiar and available then parents’ skin? Baby’s job is to use these tools; your job is to teach him how. These early nips and slaps, as awful as they look and feel, are playful communications, not aggressive, disrespectful conduct.

Aggressive biting and hitting is most common between the ages of 18-months and 2½ years when the child doesn’t have the verbal language to communicate his needs. Instead, he communicates through actions. Biting usually stops as the child’s verbal skills grow but hitting doesn’t.

2. Understand why toddlers bite and hit. What are simply socially- incorrect gestures in infants can, if unchecked, become aggressive behaviors in children. That’s why you want to purge these from baby’s repertoire before they become part of the growing child. Children become aggressive in order to release pent-up anger, to control a situation, to show power, or to protect their turf in a toy squabble. Some children even resort to obnoxious behavior in a desperate attempt to break through to distant parents.

Most aggressive toddler behaviors will lessen once the child is old enough to communicate by words instead of actions.

3. Consider the source. What triggers aggressive behaviors? Keep a journal (at least mental notes) identifying the correlation between how a child acts and the circumstances prompting the action. For example: “Kate bit Suzie during play group. Suzie had Kate’s favorite ball. It was almost nap time. Lots of kids in a small place. Suzie is very bossy.”

4. Child hurts parent. Face-slapping is a socially-incorrect gesture babies experiment with. Redirect the slapper into a socially-acceptable alternative: “Give me five.” Likewise, redirect nipping: “No biting, ouchie, hurts Mama! (put on your unhappy face); then redirect the behavior: “Hug mama. That’s nice!” (smile and hug back). Once your child’s face-slapping becomes an expression of frustration (for example, the toddler in your arms becomes angry and hits you because you won’t let her have candy), you’ll have to show her the natural consequence. Firmly but calmly announce “You may not hit” and put her down. She’ll still be angry about the candy, so you can verbalize that for her. Do not allow your toddler to use you as a punching bag. Give her the message that you will not let her hurt you. If you don’t allow your child to hurt you when he’s very young, he will be less likely to let others hurt him when he’s older. You will be modeling to him how to say “no” to being hit, for example, by holding up a hand to stop the blow but not hit back.

5. Toddler hits babies. If your one-and-a-half-year-old bangs his toy hammer on the heads of other babies in the group, remove all objects that he can hit with. Show and tell him not to hit and give him an alternative gesture: “Be nice, pat baby” as you gently guide his patting hand.

6. Don’t bite back. “But the child needs to learn that biting hurts,” you may reason. Yes, but there’s no way your child will decide that she shouldn’t bite if you bite. Try this alternative tooth-for-tooth method: Take your child aside and ask her to let you show her how teeth feel on skin. Press your child’s forearm against her upper teeth as if she were biting herself, not in an angry revengeful way, but as a parent making a point, “See, biting hurts!” Give this lesson immediately after he bites you or someone else. You want your child to learn to be sensitive to how others feel – an early lesson in empathy.

7. Hitting models. Katie hits Tommy. Katie’s mother (embarrassed and irritated) quickly goes over and smacks Katie on the arm saying “Mustn’t hit.” Are you as confused as Katie is right now? Have you ever been driven by embarrassment or anger to do something illogical? We all have. So plan in your mind ahead of time what you will do when your child hits someone.

8. Child hurts child. You notice one child hits (pushes or kicks) another to get a toy. Show and tell an alternative way to get the toy. “We don’t hit other people. If you want the toy, wait until your friend is finished with it or ask Mommy and I’ll set the share timer. When I want something from you I don’t hit you, I ask you nicely.” If the hitter doesn’t cooperate, ask the victim to say, “I’m not playing with you anymore until you say you’re sorry and stop hitting.” Two-year-olds may not be able to say all these words, but they’ll understand them; so you say the words for them and follow through with the consequence. Also, impress upon the biter: “How would you feel if Tommy bit you.”

9. Timeout the aggressor. “Biting hurts, and it’s wrong to hurt. You are going to sit by me.” Usually by two years of age the child can make the connection between being aggressive and the consequences. Encourage your child to say “I’m sorry.” If he’s not angry anymore, he might want to give a kiss or hug.

10. Model nonaggression. A child who lives with aggression becomes aggressive. How do you communicate disappointment, handle conflicts, and get your point across? Aggression is contagious. Toddlers and young children also pick up aggressive behavior from older siblings. If the younger children see the older ones hitting each other, they conclude that’s the way you treat other people. Make this a teachable experience for the older children. Point out their modeling and tell them for their own benefit and the benefit of the little ones to clean up their act.

Grabbing is a common aggressive behavior in toddlers and young preschoolers. (Watch that you don’t unintentionally model this by snatching things from little hands) Calmly explain why he can’t have the item he grabbed and ask him to hand it back to the other child or give it to you. You may have to offer a replacement for what he has to give up. If your child is about to damage something valuable, or is likely to hurt himself with an object, use a no- nonsense voice and show by your body language you expect him to give it up immediately.

AVOID SETUPS
Avoid situations that bring out the worst in kids. At a birthday party a mother setup a scavenger hunt for a bunch of boys — inside her house, of all places. To fuel the frenzy, she offered a prize for the winner. You can imagine what happened. Both the house and the children were a wreck. They hit and shoved each other and trashed the house in pursuit of the hidden treasures. Bruised skin and bruised feelings resulted.

12. Mellow a mean streak. Watch the toddler who habitually bangs toys, bashes dolls, kicks cats, and pounds on walls. While some of this acting out is normal, it can be a red flag for tension and anger. The child is at risk for treating humans this way. Besides delving into the roots of the problem, encourage more gentle play: “Hug the bear,” “Pet the kitty,” “Love the doll.”

13. Reward. Children over three respond well to rewards, such as a no-hitting chart: “Every day you are nice to your friends, put a happy face on the chart. When you have three happy faces we’ll go out to lunch together.”

14. Program self-control. Some impulsive children hit before they think. For children over three, help them control these impulses by suggesting substitute behaviors that the child clicks into at the first thought of hitting: “As soon as you feel like hitting, grab a pillow and pound on it or go run around the yard.” You can model impulse control for your child. For example, next time you feel like hitting, let your child see you think your way out of it. Grab your hand and talk to it: “Now, hand, you should not hit people.” He’ll pay attention, especially if he’s the one you felt like hitting.

15. Apply double discipline. When hitting becomes disrespectful and undermines your authority, it deserves a double-dose of correction from Mom and Dad. Four-year-old Timmy got angry and hit his mother. She immediately sat him down, looked him squarely in the eyes, and impressed on him that under no circumstances was he ever to hit his parents; that behavior was intolerable and would be firmly corrected. She sent him to his room. After this time-out they talked about his anger. Later that day she shared this incident with her husband who had a talk with Timmy. He reinforced the seriousness of this situation and told Timmy that it would not be tolerated: “I will not allow you to hit the woman I love.” This wise father got some extra mileage out of his discipline by communicating his feelings for his wife.

16. Supervise. It’s neither fair nor safe to allow aggressive toddlers to play with potential victims in close quarters without a parent on watch. If your child is aggressive, share your concern with the other parents or teachers in the playgroup, and seek their help in tempering your child’s aggressive behavior. Don’t hesitate to tell them about the problem. You can bet they have also struggled through an aggressive stage with their own children. Your candidness shows your concern for the other children. Otherwise, aggression, especially biting, may destroy friendships. The parents of a biter are embarrassed, while the parents of the bitee are angry that their child has been hurt. The biter’s parents get blamed for the child’s misbehavior (“bad parents of a bad kid”), and the adult friendship cools.

Teachers and day-care providers also need to be vigilant in supervising the aggressive child, lest this attitude infect the whole group. In a group setting children learn what is socially-acceptable behavior. If they see and feel that aggressive behavior is tolerated — especially if the biter is in the spotlight (“Watch out, he’s a biter”) — they pick up on this label and may try making it part of their repertoire. While the aggressor’s behavior requires immediate attention, be careful not to give the other children the idea that this is the way to get attention. Be sure to find opportunities to praise the other children for their good behavior.

A cruel experiment in the 12th century

....There are also important social dimensions to the carrying of children. The child’s primary experiences of the world come from the mother. Close to her, it gets to know its new environment. Following birth, the child continues to feel the rhythm of its mother’s movements, and these form part of the child’s perception of the world. Also the mother’s scent, voice and warmth are comforting. The separation of a mother form her baby is not conducive to its development. 

Evidence of this was found as early as the twelfth century: and experiment was conducted at the behest of Frederick II. Holy Roman Emperor and King of Germany and Sicily. His chronicler, Alimbene, wrote ’He wished to discover which language and in what manner children would speak if they grew up never hearing anyone else speak. He therefore ordered that a number of foster mothers and wet nurses only feed, bathe and clean the children in their care and not babble or talk with them. In this way he wished to discover which language they would speak: Hebrew, the most ancient language, Greek, Latin, Arabic, or most likely that of their biological parents. He never found out because all the children died. They could not stay alive without being lovingly spoken to or being cuddled and smiled at by their foster mothers.’

It is now generally accepted that a lack of contact and affection while growing up is detrimental to children. After carrying out research into several children’s homes, the American child psychiatrist René A. Spitz came to the conclusion that small children who spend a lot of time alone and receive minimal attention from carers tend to lag behind in development. They exhibit restless, introverted behaviour. They do not learn to eat independently or become toilet-trained....

Source: I.C. van Hout: Beloved Burden, Baby-wearing around the world

Unschooling

We had an interesting discussion about unschooling on our facebook group page. I summarized it here.
The article we reacted was posted on 2 April 2014 here:
http://yes-i-can-write.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/unschooling-isnt-more-risky-its-just.html?m=1

In the UK you don't have to ask permission from anyone, because the law allows parents to retain full responsibility for their child's education. I treasure our laws in this area, because it's so clear. You could find area specific information on Facebook groups if/when you do move out of the UK.

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I don't teach, and I am not their teacher. I facilitate. I'm not trying to pass my knowledge to them, I'm trying to help them get knowledge for themselves - teaching isn't the means by which knowledge passes from person to person, LEARNING is, and that's an important distinction because my children are people in their own right (now) rather than future people or projects. Even in school, the person in control of what is learned and not learned is really the child. Trying to find ways to rob them of control is not as powerful as giving them more choices and more help to do what they already do as naturally as breathing.

What subjects or skills are needed in real life that a person would never come across in real life? If something isn't useful, it isn't used. If something is useful, it IS used, and children see it and imitate it and want to master it. All children strive. All children observe. All children learn. They can't help it; it's what human beings are.

In school, subjects are divorced from their purpose, so they seem purposeless. I hated maths and resented every bit I was forced to study. I learned no more than the basics any unschooled seven year old could tell you just from seeing numbers around them in the real world. At the end of my schooling I learned to manage money and reckon weights and measures. Now I use algebra in pattern design all the time. My kids use grid references to play games and notate landmarks in Minecraft. They make graphs to show me how they sorted their collections. They use mathematical thinking every day, without calling it maths. It isn't a pointless subject to them, because they have never been asked to study it. They have just been curious. Now, one of them loves numbers so much she worked out how to multiply fractions (at 6) without any help from me (I still can't multiply fractions).

Unschooling isn't just "not school", it's eliminating schoolish thinking too, so that we can learn and make real life choices without that programming (which almost everyone in our culture has). Unpicking the ways in which school inflitrated how we see the world is part of that, for the parents.  Unschooling is the specific style of home education that involves children making all of their own choices about what, and how, and when, to learn - it involves adult helpers facilitating and supporting and advising and offering, but not controlling, coercing, or teaching in any way. The main parental requirement for unschooling is willingness to genuinely take the child's choices seriously and pay attention to ways in which you can help (or get our own ego out of the way, as necessary).

Also, unschooling is definitely not the route for any parent who is not willing or able to give the time and attention necessary, or for any family in which the home environment is not safe and happy. If you have academic goals which you believe your child must meet to be worthy, unschooling will not work without unpicking that thinking. If you believe children need to be controlled externally, it's not for you. Every child is already an unschooler when allowed, but every parent is not! I was not, when my children were younger, and I was not prepared for how much it would change me to embrace their natural way of learning. Reading about unschooling made me actually angry to begin with! Who were these people to tell me that what I was doing was not helpful for my child's learning?! The key is to try *a little*, WATCH, wait, say yes one time you would have said no, not try to exchange the school in your head for a new set of rules.)

 I do still struggle with thinking I'm "bad at maths" or "good at English", but having a child who is gifted with numbers has helped a great deal. I'm not qualified to teach her, but I'm actually perfectly able to help her learn - even something I find really hard. In unschooling, and all parenting in general, I don't think children need someone who knows it all, has everything figured out already - they just need a real human being, someone a little more experienced than them at living, someone a little bit taller for reaching the high shelves, to help and support.

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I am (now) a fan of Sandra Dodd and how clearly she writes and how precisely she defines what she's talking about - you can read everything in her books, on her site http://sandradodd.com/ - Fair warning, she's one of the writers that really got my back up when Jenna was very small though (because she is always very to the point even when feelings are a little bruised, no apologies for bluntness and no fakey hearts and flowers, she just says, "take a break from reading and come back to the idea another time" haha)! Now I know her style I appreciate it a lot more. HELP is a great page on her site (it's the hub for the "how to" pages).

Author: Sarah Clarks

Am I disposable?

"I can see many broken families with one or more children nowadays. After having two - three children people just get a divorce. Why is that happening?" - I asked Jenny.
"We live in a disposable world." - She said.

We had a long conversation today about attachment and parenting walking in Markeaton Park. I feel empowered again. :)

I am multifunctional...

 I am a bed, source of food, a cradle, a gentle touch, a good teacher and a bad one, I am just me being a mother.

AP principles

We are attachment parents. We use the tools provided by AP. Or not. There is no rule how to be an attachment parent. Everybody has their own path to bond with their children. Every family has their own way to experience parenting. We respect that.

We follow principles. These are:

Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting

Become emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care. Continuously educate yourself about developmental stages of childhood, setting realistic expectations and remaining flexible.

Feed with Love and Respect

Breastfeeding is the optimal way to satisfy an infant's nutritional and emotional needs. "Bottle Nursing" adapts breastfeeding behaviors to bottle-feeding to help initiate a secure attachment. Follow the feeding cues for both infants and children, encouraging them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.

Respond with Sensitivity

Build the foundation of trust and empathy beginning in infancy. Tune in to what your child is communicating to you, then respond consistently and appropriately. Babies cannot be expected to self-soothe, they need calm, loving, empathetic parents to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Respond sensitively to a child who is hurting or expressing strong emotion, and share in their joy.

Use Nurturing Touch

Touch meets a baby's needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or babywearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

Babies and children have needs at night just as they do during the day; from hunger, loneliness, and fear, to feeling too hot or too cold. They rely on parents to soothe them and help them regulate their intense emotions. Sleep training techniques can have detrimental physiological and psychological effects. Safe co-sleeping has benefits to both babies and parents.

Provide Consistent and Loving Care

Babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. If it becomes necessary, choose an alternate caregiver who has formed a bond with the child and who cares for him in a way that strengthens the attachment relationship. Keep schedules flexible, and minimize stress and fear during short separations.

Practice Positive Discipline

Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact.

Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life

It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself.

See more at: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php

AP Glossary

Source:
http://www.attachmentparenting.co.uk/

We have included some short descriptions of practices we have come across over the years which we would have been fascinated to read about in one place....!

Elimination Communication – also known as infant potty training or natural infant hygiene, elimination communication (EC) is a method of listening and watching for your baby’s body language when weeing and pooing. A cueing noise is often provided by the carer (such as a ssssh sound) when the baby wees to help the child associate the action with the cue. The child may spend some or all the time nappy free with the carer carefully paying attention to the baby and offering potty opportunities. It can be highly rewarding, fun and cost effective! It also requires diligence by the carer when the baby is nappy-free full time. Part time nappy-free has incremental benefit too in helping the child become aware of their own bodily functions.

Babywearing – wearing your child in a sling, wrap, pouch or carrier. The name gives a good indication of how your sling effectively becomes another piece of clothing which your baby will happily spend many hours in either asleep or alert and very much a part of your world. It's like wearing a hug!

Baby-Led Weaning – the practice of offering a child bit sized pieces of food once they start to express a keen interest in food. The child is given opportunity to explore varied taste, texture and shape as well as develop an effective gag reflex. Purees and baby rice are not on the menu - instead the child eats what it wants and needs. Some children will thrive on this approach more than others.

Bottle Nursing – also known as 'baby-led bottle feeding', bottle nursing replicates the body behaviours of a breastfeeding mother by providing close eye contact and physical cradling - it demonstrates the ability of all mothers to feed with love and respect.

Kangeroo Care – the well researched method of proving skin-to-skin care for an infant. The skin contact between the child and carer in a heart-to-heart position has been proven to greatly benefit the infant’s ability to regulate breathing, temperature and heart rate. Used as an alternative to incubators in developing or under-developed countries, kangaroo care has had wonderful success in nurturing infants and increasing their survival rate, weight gain and general well being. Skin-to-skin care can be used at any age and is especially beneficial when a child needs soothing.

Dr Sears - often known as the grandfather of attachment parenting, Sears is an American paediatrician who has raised a large family in an attachment style and advocates safe sleeping practices, full-term breastfeeding, babywearing, good nutrition and much more. His website offers diverse, evidence-based resources on all aspects of child well-being and he is highly respected within his field. He has also co-authored many books with his wife, Martha Sears, including the international bestseller 'The Baby Book'.

Nonviolent Communication - sometimes known as compassionate communication, this is a method of empathetic, emotionally honest communication for use with children and in all relationships. Devised by Marshall B. Rosenberg it is used globally in conflict situations but can be employed within the family as a way of expressing needs and nurturing autonomy without casting blame or judgement.

Positive Discipline – widely advocated by Dr. Jane Nelsen, an American educator who has based her work on the findings of Dr. Alfred Adler and Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, positive discipline is a non-punitive approach which avoids the use of rewards, punishments, threat, bribery or coercion. Instead, it is a mutually respectful, solution-driven approach that seeks to encourage a child to have a keen sense of their own capabilities, a clear sense of belonging and internal motivation. The over-riding premise is that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child purely seeking to establish their place in the world.

Steiner Waldorf – popular among those seeking an alternative educational approach, Rudolph Steiner schools are located worldwide and school life focuses on nurturing the mind, spirit and body of the child. Hand-on skills are fundamental to developing a creative brain, learning through play and a respect for natural rhythm to each day. Teachers remain with a class throughout the school years and model a peaceful and inclusive approach. Steiner schools in the UK are fee paying with the exception of the Steiner Academy in Hereford which is state run.

Lotus Birth – after the delivery of the placenta, the cord remains attached to both baby and the placenta without any clamping or intervention. The placenta is usually wrapped or placed in a dish where it is then carried by the mother until detaching from the baby naturally at two to three days after the birth. Sometimes essential oils or salts are applied to the placenta to assist with the drying process and any odor.

Breast Crawling – when a newborn baby is placed on the mother’s lower abdomen it will crawl upwards to the breast and seek out the nipple of its own accord. The philosophy behind this practice is that the infant’s first breastfeed occurs in an intuitive and instinctive way.

Placenta Encapsulation – placenta is often consumed by mammals after birth and is iron and nutrient rich. After delivery a placenta specialist can collect the placenta after the midwife approves it, and it is usually washed, drained, dehydrated at low temperature, ground and encapsulated. The mother takes these capsules in the early weeks or months and studies have shown a positive benefit in the reduction of post-natal depression. Some placenta practitioners can also make a homeopathic remedy from the placenta, make raw placenta and fruit smoothies or placenta essences.

The Continuum Concept – one of the most influential parenting books of the last century written by American, Jean Leidloff. Her observations of life among a Venezuelan Amazonian tribe including observations of child birth, child raising and tribal behaviour are highly engaging. There has been much debate about the differences between TCC and attachment parenting. Some consider TCC to advocate a parent-centred approach while attachment parenting is sometimes viewed as being child-centred. At the heart, they share a similar loving approach to raising children consciously.

Full-Term Breastfeeding - also known as extended breastfeeding or natural weaning, full-term breastfeeding indicates that the child will breastfeed until they self-wean - this usually occurs between the ages of 4 and 7 years.

What is AP to me?

Look into your heart, listen to what it says. Love your baby, listen to him, follow him, protect him, motivate him, encourage him and live in harmony with nature. Be a natural parent raising a child in secure, loving cuddle while you let him separate himself from you in his own pace.

Babywearing is not about a sling

It does not matter that you use a piece of fabric, your bedsheet or a proper woven wrap.

It does not matter that you keep your baby close and safe in a very expensive carrier or in a shining golden sling.

What matters that you keep your baby close enough to be able to respond to her. And that you are able to let her go when she needs to go and discover.

Babywearing is a mindset. Attachment parenting is not a sling or a baby in a sling. Attachment is in you and between you and your child. The mother is the miracle not the carrier.

What is AP UK Derby Group about?

In fact, what is AP? AP stands for Attachment Parenting. What is Attachment Parenting?
This is a simple question which is easy to answer. It is being a mother who trusts her child.

It does not matter that you are a man or a grandparent or carer. You need to follow your mother instinct which will never let you down, never fail you. This is being an attachment parent. For me.

Why is the group then?

We need sometimes support to find the mother. The people in the group help each other.

We want to satisfy our baby's needs.
My baby wants to be carried. An Attachment Parenting group will help you to find the better solution to be able to carry your baby.

My baby wants to be close to me all day and all night. A group of experienced parents will tell you how it is safe to share your bed with your baby.

My baby wants to wear no nappy any more. AP will give you no-tear solutions.

And this is what Attachment Parenting groups are for. To support each other when we need tools and techniques and take your hand when you decide to take a journey to find the mother in your heart.